Once again I find that I have given everything I've got, only to once again find that it isn't appreciated. Not only unappreciated, but told it isn't good enough. The reasoning - and I use the term loosely - I'm told, is to motivate me to perform better. What??! Perform better?? I have moved mountains! I've accomplished more in 4 months than my predecessor did in their entire considerable time there. Because I work well under pressure, the "motivation" is to put more pressure on me than any one person could possibly handle and then tell me what I've done isn't good enough, with the intended result of getting even more production? OK, this is where the horses come to a neck-breaking halt.
I was wounded to the core when I got this evaluation. I'm not perfect and don't pretend to be. I own up to my mistakes and am willing to take the consequences. I will flat out tell you if I'm not capable of doing something ... after all, wisdom dictates that we know our strengths as well as our weaknesses. Tell me I have idiosyncrasies that drive you crazy. Tell me my sense of humor is not your cup of tea. Tell me I'm too passionate about things I view as important. Tell me I'm lousy at video games or a host of other things ... but DON'T tell me my work is not good enough. I will fight to the death on this count! I never demand what I'm not willing to do or give. My goal is excellence in anything I do. Do I always reach that goal? Nope. But if I haven't nailed it, I darn sure come close.
When I got to my house I headed straight to my room to continue the talk with God that I had started when I first got in the car to drive home. I poured out my heart and tears to the Lord. After so many years of being trampled on and unappreciated, I have finally come into my own. God has had to do a LOT of healing in me. He had to grow me into accepting who He made me to be, flaws and all. It's taken a long, long (did I mention long?) time to finally understand that God does not want me treated badly. I have every right to breathe the same air as everyone else. I spent way too many years trying to please people who could not be pleased. It's a power trip ... a quiet form of bullying ... to never be able to be pleased. It's not about having "high standards" because I have high standards! What I don't have is a warped sense of reality that I impose on others. I've always believed the old saying, "Shoot for the moon. If you miss at least you'll be among the stars." Don't tell me to shoot for the moon, give me a paper airplane to get there, then tell me I'm not flying the plane good enough!
As I was telling all this to God, He told me to go to bed and He'd speak to me about it in the morning. What?? Like I could sleep with all this going on in my head! I said, "Lord! How am I supposed to sleep with all this going on? Why can't we talk about it now?" God's quiet but matter-of-fact reply was brilliant: "I'll STILL be GOD in the morning."
After seeing the pure, simple, truth of that statement I had an "aha moment." Yes. Yes, He WILL still be God in the morning ... which means I don't have to fret tonight, or any other time. God's got this.
